Thursday, July 31, 2003
oh my. i am tempted to lock my diary because i want to post something i wrote in my secret diary over a year ago and i'm not sure if the person i address in it still reads this.
it's about a boy. a bad one. i'm not naming names though because there could be retaliation which would be bad.
a* is leaving me for five days to hang out with the boys and ride those monstrous rollercoasters in ohio. i'm going to miss him awfully but i'm trying to stay calm because i freaked out a few weekends ago when he went to boston to visit old friends. my mom, aunt, and dad planted dangerous thoughts in my head about infidelity, which is ridiculous because i trust him more than i trust myself, but i still let their insidious words permeate into me. i feel like a* is the healthy part of our relationship, and i constitute the unhealthy part. despite my shortcomings and anti-social proclivities, a* accepts and loves me, but wants me to feel better about myself. i would feel happier if i had interesting things to do or places to go but a* is my only ticket out of the life i lead. all other exits are closed off.
i got to know a british girl who now lives in prague named jenny over the summer. she stayed at a*'s place for two weeks (actually in b*'s room because he was on vacation in chile, lucky bastard) and we had the opportunity to hang out a lot together. which meant mostly sitting in front of the tv for hours at a time, but whatever. she taught english as a second language in prague for awhile and then got a job editing/proofreading. apparently prague is pretty cheap for living and eating expenses, but somewhat expensive for electronics and clothing. i'm not a huge gadget freak though, so i won't be buying many electronics. plus the city is beautiful and the people are international, coming from all over europe and the u.s. i'm considering teaching english in prague... they also have programs in madrid and barcelona which would also be great except i wouldn't know a single soul there. at least if i went to prague i'd have jenny to cling onto (she'd be thrilled!). she's really nice though, i don't think she'd mind hanging out with me occasionally.
the one glaring problem i have with this is leaving a*. i know what it's like to maintain a long distance relationship and it's really arduous on both people. LONG, miserable phone calls, not having anyone to snuggle with, feeling like you're missing out on the other's excitement or whatever... it basically, simply sucks. and to go from seeing him four days a week to no days a week would crush me. i love love love being able to stare into his eyes, touch his arm or face or leg, kiss him on the forehead or ear or neck, all of those tiny things that we take for granted because we can, because we do them unthinkingly, like second nature.
i almost want to cry just thinking about being separated from him which is quite pathetic. i know i won't die from not being in his presence constantly, but i would feel a loss and absence so great that my heart might snap in two.
this dependence on him scares and mystifies me a bit. in the previous 2 relationships i was more in control, i had the reins and baby we weren't going anywhere. actually that's not true. the fling i had with k* was more out of control. he broke up with me three times in the course of less than two months. and i went back to him. i can't FATHOM why.
on the one hand i like possessing all the control, calling the shots. it's easier to not let things progress too far.
on the other, it's romantic to be out of control, breathless with passion, not knowing where it will lead.
i guess right now things are neither out of or particularly in control. they're just good. great. spectacular. manageable and still filled with mystery and romance.
ahhhh, i love that boy so much. i don't use the word love lightly, either. i'd say hate before love in any other situation and mean it.
i do feel the need to get away from the money grubbing, soul charring aspect of nyc. but prague? i just don't know. it would be good for me, life experience wise, but would have a debilitating effect on the relationship probably. i mean we're tight, we understand each other, we love each other, but even if we made it through without breaking up, we'd have lost some of the closeness we have now.
sigh. i don't want to think about my immediate future. i just want to imagine a lovely life with a husband who loves me very much, not having to worry about petty money troubles, having children (gasp! i was never a coo-er), and a sense of accomplishment. from what i've yet to find out.
my little diary pet. you just listen and don't give harsh or judgmental advice. thank you for that.
it's about a boy. a bad one. i'm not naming names though because there could be retaliation which would be bad.
a* is leaving me for five days to hang out with the boys and ride those monstrous rollercoasters in ohio. i'm going to miss him awfully but i'm trying to stay calm because i freaked out a few weekends ago when he went to boston to visit old friends. my mom, aunt, and dad planted dangerous thoughts in my head about infidelity, which is ridiculous because i trust him more than i trust myself, but i still let their insidious words permeate into me. i feel like a* is the healthy part of our relationship, and i constitute the unhealthy part. despite my shortcomings and anti-social proclivities, a* accepts and loves me, but wants me to feel better about myself. i would feel happier if i had interesting things to do or places to go but a* is my only ticket out of the life i lead. all other exits are closed off.
i got to know a british girl who now lives in prague named jenny over the summer. she stayed at a*'s place for two weeks (actually in b*'s room because he was on vacation in chile, lucky bastard) and we had the opportunity to hang out a lot together. which meant mostly sitting in front of the tv for hours at a time, but whatever. she taught english as a second language in prague for awhile and then got a job editing/proofreading. apparently prague is pretty cheap for living and eating expenses, but somewhat expensive for electronics and clothing. i'm not a huge gadget freak though, so i won't be buying many electronics. plus the city is beautiful and the people are international, coming from all over europe and the u.s. i'm considering teaching english in prague... they also have programs in madrid and barcelona which would also be great except i wouldn't know a single soul there. at least if i went to prague i'd have jenny to cling onto (she'd be thrilled!). she's really nice though, i don't think she'd mind hanging out with me occasionally.
the one glaring problem i have with this is leaving a*. i know what it's like to maintain a long distance relationship and it's really arduous on both people. LONG, miserable phone calls, not having anyone to snuggle with, feeling like you're missing out on the other's excitement or whatever... it basically, simply sucks. and to go from seeing him four days a week to no days a week would crush me. i love love love being able to stare into his eyes, touch his arm or face or leg, kiss him on the forehead or ear or neck, all of those tiny things that we take for granted because we can, because we do them unthinkingly, like second nature.
i almost want to cry just thinking about being separated from him which is quite pathetic. i know i won't die from not being in his presence constantly, but i would feel a loss and absence so great that my heart might snap in two.
this dependence on him scares and mystifies me a bit. in the previous 2 relationships i was more in control, i had the reins and baby we weren't going anywhere. actually that's not true. the fling i had with k* was more out of control. he broke up with me three times in the course of less than two months. and i went back to him. i can't FATHOM why.
on the one hand i like possessing all the control, calling the shots. it's easier to not let things progress too far.
on the other, it's romantic to be out of control, breathless with passion, not knowing where it will lead.
i guess right now things are neither out of or particularly in control. they're just good. great. spectacular. manageable and still filled with mystery and romance.
ahhhh, i love that boy so much. i don't use the word love lightly, either. i'd say hate before love in any other situation and mean it.
i do feel the need to get away from the money grubbing, soul charring aspect of nyc. but prague? i just don't know. it would be good for me, life experience wise, but would have a debilitating effect on the relationship probably. i mean we're tight, we understand each other, we love each other, but even if we made it through without breaking up, we'd have lost some of the closeness we have now.
sigh. i don't want to think about my immediate future. i just want to imagine a lovely life with a husband who loves me very much, not having to worry about petty money troubles, having children (gasp! i was never a coo-er), and a sense of accomplishment. from what i've yet to find out.
my little diary pet. you just listen and don't give harsh or judgmental advice. thank you for that.
